Old Biker

Author Unknown (Thanks Harley Sqaw)

When it comes to bikes
and barroom fights,
Well I guess I've seen me a few
I've straddled the Hogs
and run after the broads
And swilled down an ocean of brew

It took me some years
to dry behind the ears
and learn to keep my mouth shut.
To not lose my cool
and not act like a fool
Over some drunken, barfly slut. 

Now, I got a few bumps
and I took my lumps
When some bozo was knockin' me down

But more often then not

I came out on top,

And I thought I was the baddest in town.
 

I packed a piece in my boot

when I rode on my scoot,

And my belt held yet another.

And if I got any lip

somebody'd get hit-

I was one no shit, badass fucker 

It was Friday night

at the ol'Blue Light,

My favorite scooter tramp bar

Yeah, I was struttin' my stuff

and actin' real tough,

Playin biker superstar

With a gal on my lap

I was into my rap,

Full of coke, tequila, and beer

"I can ride any putt

or kick any butt

Better than any damn biker here!"

I sat there and glared

while the jukebox blared

Some silly ass cowboy song

And I howled out the tune

and kept time with a spoon,

While the gal massaged my ol dong.

I laughed and I joked

and was taking a toke

When an old dude bumped into my stool.

With a glance at the crowd,

I barked out real loud,

"Hey, you crazy old fool!"

"Are you touched in the head,

or just stupid instead?

Are you spastic, you damn clumsy ox?

Get outta here fast,

or I'll beat your old ass

And they'll send you back home in a box!'

There wasn't a sound

as the old dude turned round

And heaved one long and tired sigh.

A crusty galoot,

he looked tough as a boot,

And he fixed me with his one good eye.

"Now look, son" he said

with a shake of his head,

"Im a biker not lookin for strife.

Dont be fooled by gray hair

or this eyepatch I wear-

Ive been on two wheels all my life"

"Im weathered and gnarly,

but I still ride a Harley,

And I ain't never backed down yet.

But I'll buy ya a beer

and we'll skip this beef here,

If you'll show as old man some respect."

You think I care

about your fuckin gray hair?"

I shouted and slugged down my beer,

"You can bet your gray stubble

there's gonna be trouble,

You half-assed, old, dipshit queer!"

I could hear my own breath

and the room smelled like death

And the old cat just stared at the floor.

Then he lifted his head and the words that he said

I'll remember when Im a hundred and four.

"Well, I gave you an out,

you damned kid lout,

But I guess youre as dumb as you look

You just ain't been told

'bout respect for the old."

And with that he threw a left hook.

At the end of his wrist

was a cast iron fist

That damn near knocked out my brain.

And when the fog cleared

my vision was bleared,

And I couldn't remember my name.

The old coots voice hissed

"Now dont get me pissed.

Mind your manners and just be polite.

Let's make our mends

and all go home friends

And forget this stupid ass fight."

I got to my knees

and let out a sneeze

That spewed blood all over the floor.

I shoulda stayed down

but like a jerk off clown

I stood up in the puddle of gore.

I said "Your really a sucker

you gray bearded fucker,

You half dead, old, bag of guts.

Kiss your scoot goodbye

cause you're fixin' to die

Then he kicked me square in the nuts.

The crowd made for the door

as I thrashed on the floor

In a pain like I never had felt.

But through all raw hurt

in the blood and the dirt

I went for the gun in my belt.

But I just made things worse

the old guy was first

And his boot came down on my hand

With a sickening crunch

the bones popped in a bunch

And I tried but failed to stand

Well I guess he got mad

'cause the rest was real bad

As my rudness he attempted to cure

There were steel toed kicks

and roundhouse licks

You get the idea I'm sure.

With my ribs all mushed

and my fingers crushed

I was just this side of dead

My bones were broke

and I though I'd croak

But I heard the words that he said

"I may be gray

but I got this way

By out toughin' shitheads like you

Realbikers ain't old

till they re dead and cold

And I've got some more livin' to do."

Then he walked out of the bar

and i heard from afar

As his bikes big engine caught.

And as the blood dried

I lay there and tried

To figure out Just what I'd been taught.

And the moral seemed clear

through the blood and the beer

Though it hurt too much to stir

With an old biker dude dont ever be rude

Just smile and always say ......SIR

Author Unkown