Got any good stories, jokes, or other stuff, send them here robert@bikers-stuff.com

 

Thanks

A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"

"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking.  The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"

"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."

At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!

Hawk
I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here
 

Inventions

Walter Davidson dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Davidson, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention-the Harley Davidson changed the world. "As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."Davidson thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself."

So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Davidson to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Davidson then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
... Just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Davidson, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.

Top things the Perfect Woman would say: 

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste. 
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? Can I get you another beer? 
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy! 
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome.
5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust! 
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again. 
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover. 
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go Shopping. 
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler. 
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? 
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses. 
12. I'll be out painting the house. 
13. I love it when you go riding on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to ride on Saturday 
14. Honey..our new neighbor is sunbathing again, come see! 
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed. 
17. Your mother did a great job raising you. 
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new stuff for your Harley.   
19. I understand fully,our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake.You go riding with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? 
21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint! 
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and ride cross country with your biker buddies. 
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings. 
24. That was a great fart! Do another one! 
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...!!!!!!  

A bro walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The bro is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same biker stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The bro looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised bro looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many fuckin' bars do you work at?

Two bros and their ol ladies were playing cards. Spider dropped one of his cards on floor. When he bent down under the table to pick it up, he noticed that Roach's ol lady wasn't wearing any underwear! Later, Spider went to the kitchen to get another beer. Roach's babe followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" "Hell Yeah!" Spider admitted. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Spider says that he can scrape up the dough. She tells him that since Roach works Saturdays and Spider doesn't, he should come to the house around 2 on Saturday. Saturday came and Spider went to her house at 2. After paying her the $100 they went to the bedroom, fucked for an hour or so and Spider left. Roach came home about 6 and asked his wife, "Did Spider come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes," Next Roach asked, "Did Spider give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Roach says. "He borrowed $100 from me at the bar last night and said he would stop by the house today and pay me back.

Biker Definations:
Alaskan hooker = Frostitute
Anteater = hungry uncle
Anal sex = man in the moon
Swap meet = Whats done at an orgy
Flathead = blowjob with no gusto
Highjacking = hand job at 40,000 feet
Hogwash = Miss Piggy's douche
Quadrasexual = someone who will do anything for a quarter
Nasa = need another seven astronauts
Fear = face everything and recover, fuck everything and run
True happiness = seeing mother-in-law on milk carton
Fuck off = two babes tied for first place in beauty contest
Lap dog = Ugly ol lady who gives head
Herpes = name for a dog that won't heal
Manicurist = someone who gives good hand jobs
Tuna salad = pussy w/lettuce and tomato inside
Perfect 10 = when she lies on her back she still has cleavage
Gynecologist = deaf mute that reads lips 

A biker arrived at his bro's house to get ready for the big run that weekend. His thoughts were on the run as he walked up to the porch, he couldn't help but notice the hugh dog sitting next to the door.When his bro answered the door he asked, "is that your dog?" "Yea, I got him for the ol lady", was the response. "No shit. I always kept my mouth shut bout your ol lady but, I gotta say, nice trade"

A biker catches a traveling salesman in bed with his ol lady. The bro knocks the salesman out cold and drags him into the barn. When the salesman comes to, he finds his most prized possession clamped in a vise and the vise handle gone. He looks around and sees the biker coming towards him with a large sharp knife. "Oh no", cries the salesman, "you're not gonna cut it off are ya?" "Nah" says the bro slowly, "You can go ahead and do it yourself. I'm just gonna set the barn on fire!"

Simple Rules Chicks Don't Know:
1. Nothing says "I love you" like a blowjob in the morning.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Don't make us guess.
5. If you ask us a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
8. Get rid of your cat. No, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better then ANY cat. Period.
10. SUNDAY=SPORTS. It's just like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not everybodys idea of a good time.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have enough shoes.
14. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must. But don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. He won't remember your anniversary, mark it on the calender.
19. Share the bathroom.
20. Share the closet.
21. Yes and No, are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Nothing says "I love you" like a blowjob in the morning.
24. Foreign films are for foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules, when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a argument.
29. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two different ways, and one way makes you sad or angry. We meant the other way.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whetever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, neither do we.
37. Women wearing wounder bras and low cut blouses, lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. When we're turning the steering wheel and the car is starting onto the off ramp, you saying "this is our exit," is not necessary.
39. Nothing says "I love you" like a blowjob in the morning.

Two bikers met up one day after not having seen each other at the last few bike runs. "Hey, where've ya been, man?" one asked. "I got married," the second one replied. "No shit! Well, tell me, is legal pussy better?" "Not really," said the bro, "but at least ya don't have to wait in line."

Tell The Truth...A rub goes into a whorehouse. There is no one in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches." Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night." Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street. The moral of this story is, "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

 On a long road trip a biker decided to pull into the first watering hole he could find to wash down the road dust. The bar that he stopped into was a "fufu"upscale cocktail lounge. After a couple of cold ones he felt an abundance of gas building in his bowels. He figured it was time cut cut loose with a GIANT fart. A Gentleman standing next to him exclaimed "How dare you fart before my wife". The biker looked at the man and stated "I'm sorry I didn't realize it was her turn."

An old Irish biker picked up a hooker in Boston. When she undressed he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there!" The hooker snapped back "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"

 A biker was on trial for having raped an entire family and the father was the first to testify against him. "First he screwed my daughter, then he screwed my wife, the dog, the cat, and the keyhole. Then he put a pair of glasses on his dick and said, 'Look around and see if you forgot anything!' That's when I figured I'd better get to the phone to call the police or die trying."

A bro was sitting in the shade, sipping a cool one and watching his ol' lady mow the lawn. His new neighbor came over and said, "You bastard, making your wife cut the grass while all you do is watch! You oughta be hung!" "I am," replied the bro. "That's why she's cutting the grass."

A reporter was assigned to interview patients at a local mental hospital for a feature story. The first patient he encountered appeard to be swinging an imaginary bat. "You getting out of here soon?" inquired the reporter. "Sure thing," replied the dude. "As soon as I hit a home run." The next patient the reporter saw seemed to be playing golf without a golf club. "Tell me," said the reporter, "Will you be getting outta here soon?" This time the response was, "You bet! Just as soon as I get a hole-in-one." Going into the ward for the criminally insane, the reporter spied a biker with his dick in a bowl of nuts. Approaching him, the reporter asked the man if he was going to be getting out soon. "Are you kidding?" asked the bro. "Can't you see I'm fuckin' nuts?"

A Honda rider decided to travel to Europe by cruise ship and managed to secure passage on the same boat as a bunch of Harley riders. Midway through the voyage, the ship sank and the ricer wound up in a three-man lifeboat with the ship's captain and two of the HD riders. The captain announced that someone would have to get out. "We'll do it right though," he said. "The three of you will be given a fair test and the loser will jump out." Everyone agreed, so the captain turned to one of the Harley riders and asked, "What was the largest ocean liner to sink in the past century?" "The Titanic." "Right," said the captain. Turning to the other Harley rider, he asked, "How many people were on the Titanic?" "2463" "That's correct," the captain stated. Fixing a hard eye on the ricer, he then said, "Name 'em."

The biker came home and found his best bro and his ol' lady in bed. "You bastard!" stormed the biker, grabbing his shotgun. "I'm gonna blow your balls off!" "Shit, man, give me a sportin' chance," pleaded his ex-bro. "All right," replied the biker, "swing 'em!"

The biker came home unexpectedly and caught his ol' lady and his Doberman in a compromising position. "How could you do this to me?" he sobbed. "I loved you! I provided for you! I've been faithful to you! Then I find you cheating on me! I can't believe you're fucking this...this...this -" "Oh honey," his ol' lady cried, "I'm sorry. I -" "You stay outta this!" the biker said. "This is between me and Spike!"

The DA was grilling the biker concerning his whereabouts at the time of the crime. "So, you say you were out walking your dog at 7 p.m. on the evening of June 10th do you? Did you or did you not stop along the way?" "Damn," snapped the biker, "haven't you ever walked a fuckin' dog."

Three guys are at a bar a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker. The doctor as he is drinking his wine says, "for Valentines Day I am going to give my wife a fur coat and a gold necklace. That way if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because I gave her a gold necklace". The lawyer while drinking his martini says, "for Valentines Day I am going to give my wife a designer dress and diamond earrings. That way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because I gave her diamond earrings". The biker as he is drinking his shots of whiskey says, "for Valentines Day I am going to give my ol’ lady a tee shirt and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the tee shirt she can go fuck herself".

This little old lady comes bustin' through the door at the clubhouse and says she wants to join up. So the Prez tells her she's gotta have a Harley to join. "Hey no problem" she says, "I rode up here on my Panhead." Well then he tells her she has to have a tattoo. "Hey no problem" she tells him as she pulls off her leather jacket exposing full sleeves on both arms. Well the prez then asks her if she's ever been picked up by the fuzz. After thinking about it for a minute she says "no not that I remember, but I have been spun around by my tits a few times!"

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from all the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and the dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Saint Peter was standing at the gates of heaven one day when he heard two ladies arguing. (princes Di & Dolly Parton.) He approached them and asked what the problem was. They wanted to know who should get into heaven first. Let's see, said ST. Peter. Dolly, what were you doing at your time of death? Admiring my big beautiful breast she replied. Okay said St. Peter, and you princes DI? Blushing she said I was douching. That's it said ST Peter, Princes DI goes in first. What do ya mean said Dolly! My boob's are bigger than hers. Sorry ST. Peter said royal flush beats a pair.

Big Joe's ol' lady snuck behind him one morning while he was sucking down coffee and whacked him upside the head. "I found this piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it", she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation!" "Calm down, baby," Big Joe replied. "Remember last week when I was at the races? That was the name of the horse I bet on." The next morning his ol’ lady snuck up behind him again and smacked him on the back side of his head with a frying pan. "Your fucking horse called last night!"

A biker goes into a bar and sees a donkey with a bucket of money. The bartender says "You put in $1 and if you make him laugh, you win the money. The biker drops in $1 and whispers in the donkeys ear. The donkey cracks up. The biker grabs the cash and leaves. The next week he drops by the same bar. The donkey is still laughing with a fresh bucket of money. The barkeep says that since the donkey can't stop laughing, the money is for whoever can get him to stop. The biker grins, drops in his buck and takes the donkey out into the alley. Soon they return and the donkey crying his eyes out. The biker reaches for the dough but the bartender stops him. I don't mind you winning the pot but let me know how you did it. The biker replies "Last week I told him I had a bigger dick than him. This week, I showed him."

Three future mothers were at the doctors office for their checkups. The first mother, a lawyers wife, says, "When my husband and I made love, I was on top. The doctor says we're going to have a boy." The second mother, a surgeons wife, says, "When we made love, my husband was on top. The doctors we're going to have a girl." The third mom to be, a biker's ol' lady, starts crying hysterically, "Oh my god, we're gonna have puppies!"

This guy wakes up after a 3 day drunk and discovers two rings around his dick...a red ring and a brown ring. Confused he goes to his doctor. Doc says "I've never seen anything like this before, I'll order some tests and give you a call." Next day the doctor calls and says "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is the red ring is lipstick...the bad news is the brown ring is Skoal."

A dumb blonde went to a soda machine. She inserted two quarters and pushed the RED button. She heard some noise, and saw a can of Coke emerge. She then started searching her large purse for some more money. About this time, a biker came up behind her, and waited patiently for her to finish. She located a dollar bill and inserted it into the machine. More noises. She then pressed the Green button, and was rewarded with a can of Sprite. She fumbled with the change in the Return slot, and put it back into the Deposit slot. She then pushed the Orange button, and received a can of Crush. The biker then asked her, "Are you finished YET?" She then replied, "Finished, Nothin'! I'm still winning!"

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

With yet another man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided she needed to tighten up her vaginal area. She put her trust in her plastic surgeon again, the one who had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts. Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one would ever know. He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of skin. Liz awakes and sees 3 get well cards. She got pissed! "No-one but you should know about this!" she says to her doctor. "Well, this card is from me." he replies "The second card is from old Marge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations, she can be trusted." "But who is the 3rd card from?" asks Liz. "Oh", says the doctor, "That's from Evander Holyfield -- thanking you for his new ears!!!"

Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla "How do you spell 'dumb'? Darla says "d-u-m-b, dumb" The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." She says, "Buckwheat is dumb". "Now spell "stupid". Darla says "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence". Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid". Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate". Buckwheat stands and says "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."

Bill Clinton is sitting next to a 19 year old White House intern one day at a gathering. The president says to her, "Would you like to come to the Oval Office and see my clock?" She says, "No, Mr. President, I don't think so." The President replies, "Please. I'd really like to show it to you." "No, Mr. President, I really can't." "Come on. Come and see my clock. It'll only take a minute." "All right. If it won't take long." They go to the Oval Office. The president sits down, unzips his pants, and pulls out his dick. The intern says, "That's not a clock, it's a cock." To which the president says, "You put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock."

There were two fleas, one lived in NY, the other in Florida. the flea in NY decided to visit the one in Florida. The NY flea went over and kicked his friend on the beach and said how's it going? the Florida flea said "man your cold, how did you get here?" The NY flea said in a beard on a Harley! His friend told him nest time you come down jump in a nice warm NY pussy and make sure she has a car. It will be a nice warm ride down. The NY flea said next time I'll try that. The following year the NY flea went over and kicked his friend on the beach and his friend said "man your cold, didn't you do like I told you to do? Yea, said the NY flea and it was great, so great that I fell asleep! So what happened said the Florida flea? The NY flea replied "when I woke up, I was in a beard on a Harley!

A lady walked by a pet shop with this huge parrot inside. So she went inside and told the owner she wanted it. The owner warned the lady that the bird had a very dirty mouth. The lady said she wanted it anyway. The woman took it home and put it in her bedroom. That night when she got undressed the parrot squawked out, Wow, what an ass! The lady took the parrot to the kitchen and threw it in the freezer for 3 minutes. She took it out out and asked you know why I did that? The parrot nodded yes. Don't do it again said the woman. The next night the woman got undressed and the parrot said Wow, what an ass! The woman grabbed the bird and threw it in the freezer for 10 minutes. When she took it out she said you know why I did that? The parrot again nodded and then asked, hey, what did that turkey in there do, ask for a blowjob?

Panhead Mike was riding to Daytona and wanted someone to ride with. The only one he could find was a RUB. So they where on there way and going past farm land when Panhead locked his bike up, turned around went back to this sheep with her head stuck in a fence. Panhead dropped his pants and started laying it to the sheep. The RUB came back and said that looks pretty good. So he dropped his pants and stuck his head in the fence.

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, and planned to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problems, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of their honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked "What are those for?" The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand, the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

Sitting in a bar, a biker challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the biker, "since you're obviously much better than I am, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it anyway and off they went. Later back at the bar, the rest of the guys were greatly amazed to see the golf pro paying the biker $100. "What happened?" asked the bar tender. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, he stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board! Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

Only in America...
you can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... there are handicap parking places in front of skating rinks... people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke... banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters... we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk boxes in the garage... we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight... we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".

Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday." The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday." The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday."

A young woman was impressed by the massive Texan in the bar. "Pardon me, sir, but can I ask about the measurements of your chest. I am amazed." "Well, thank you, ma'am. It's 33 inches." "Wow, around?" "No, ma'am. Through." "Well, then, sir. What about your waist?" "It's 28 inches." "Around?" "No, ma'am. Through." "Well, then. One last question. What about the size of your dick." "You see, ma'am. It's 3 inches!" "Wow, " said the woman. "Through?!" "Oh, no, Ma'am. From the floor!!!

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Once upon a time there was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body, when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. Just then, two old ladies were strolling about the sand, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady, "There ain't no justice in this world." The other little old lady asked "What do you mean by that?" "Well," she said, "when I was 20 I was curious about it," "when I was 30 I enjoyed it," "when I was 40 I asked for it," " when I was 50 I paid for it," " when I was 60 I prayed for it," "when I was 70 I forgot about it," "and now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat."

Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels, stick them on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', Okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on his forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."